Friend or acquaintance?

Let's get it straight!

Now more than ever, I realise the true gift of friendship. Think of the people you call friends and why you call them friends.

I did some googling again to frame our conversation with the definition of friendship and found the following definitions:

“a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.”

So if you thought of a cousin or a crush, think again.

“a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another.”

If you thought of a person who, if you’re being honest with yourself, you don’t like all that much or you just can’t quite bring yourself to trust them - think again.

“a person who you know well and who you like a lot.”

If you thought of a person who you don’t know all that much about, for example, their likes and dislikes, their dreams and aspirations, their fears and maybe even their last name, then probably think again.

and going back to the first definition “a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.”

if you thought of a person who doesn’t reciprocate care, affection or interest then you should definitely think again.

Something I realised I had been doing prior to going to Ghana was giving people the wrong title, that being friend rather than acquaintance. But I was also giving myself the wrong title in people’s lives. When I reflected, I realised I had been mistaking myself as a person’s friend when really that’s not how they saw it. So I think the questions we need to ask ourselves here are two-fold:

1. Who am I calling a friend who is actually just an acquaintance?

2. If I’m being honest with myself and based on the information I have, do x, y and z really consider me their friend?

I did some googling again on the definition of acquaintance, and this is what came up:

“a person one knows slightly, but who is not a close friend.”

“a person that you have met but do not know well.”

“someone recognised by sight or someone known, though not intimately.”

So we can see a significant difference between what defines a friend and what defines an acquaintance.

Now why are we even talking about this and why did going to Ghana help me gain some clarity on my own friendships?

To the first question - why are we even talking about this?

Because part of the reason why many of us are probably struggling with creating the life we want to live is that we feel some or all of our friendships are unfulfilling.

Now, before we point fingers and get rooted in a place of blame toward these people, you know - “they just don’t understand me” or “they’re just toxic”, or “they’re not there for me in the way I need them to be” - lets look inward.

Because I know what I have done in the past is allow the irritations, the misunderstandings, the pain points to pile on up and then I’ve just had to tap out because I’ve felt like there was no way out.

Now to point the blame for a quick second (humans are in many ways walking contradictions) I don’t think all social media messaging out there has been healthy for us relationally.

One of my favourite girlies on the internet - Kennedy - was saying, we need to not confuse self-love with selfishness. I’m sure you’ve seen the phrase protecting your energy used as an excuse for making the problem about other people rather than ourselves.

Sometimes, we put addressing the issues we have with people in the “too hard basket”.

Now I get it, especially if you’ve been a people-pleaser, it can be challenging to say no or to engage in any form of disagreement. But in doing this, we risk missing out on the gift that is friendship because we’re singing a bit too loudly:

“Me, myself and I that's all I got in the end, that's what I found out and it ain't no need to cry, I took a vow that from now on I'm gon' be my own best friend.”

Now, let’s not dismiss the valid feelings we may hold. Perhaps some of our friendships are unfulfilling. But let’s not forget that we do have a choice in who we are going to get to know.

Maybe we’re the problem because we have allowed such unfulfilling “friendships” to continue, feeling like there’s no way out. And here’s where we start to feel stagnate, uninspired, lonely and even cynical.

The good news is that there is a way out. And that is choosing to get to know people where there exists:

• mutual affection

• mutual trust

• a knowledge about each other beyond the surface

We might have people in our lives with whom friendship can be more intentionally built and with a little extra effort on our part, could lead to strong and thriving friendships.

Though, it may be the case that no matter how much extra effort we make on our part, the bond which we seek just won’t be reciprocated. In these instances, we don’t need to spend any more time bending over back.

But to answer the question, life is so much better when lived in community. We don’t have to have more friends than we can count on one hand, because quality over quantity, but we also shouldn’t be led to believe that we would be better off with no friends at all.

And this is a real risk if we fail to remember that we are capable of having fulfilling friendships in our lives. Where giving doesn’t breed resentment because receiving is not taken for granted.

And to the second question - why did going to Ghana help me gain some clarity on my own friendships?

The simple answer. Distance. I think when you go offline, as in off social media, and you just observe what happens, you get a lot of perspective about a whole range of things, including friendships.

Now, to go back to what I said before, I’ve given people the label friend when really it should have been acquaintance, or I’ve given myself the label of friend when really I was just an acquaintance.

So it was actually during my trip to Ghana’s Western Region that I wrote about in last week’s post that I decided to do something that would fix this.

I got a pen and paper and wrote a list. Now you might categorise your list differently, but for me the categories were:

1. Best friends

2. Friends that feel like family

3. Friends that need boundaries

The list may be tweaked here but essentially, the idea is that you only write names on the list that meet at least the following criteria:

• mutual affection

• mutual trust

• a knowledge about each other beyond the surface

I didn’t necessarily have these exact points in mind when I wrote my list but naturally most of the people I wrote down fit the above description.

This is a very simple exercise but its powerful because if you approach it honestly, you allow yourself to face the truth.

The other thing that Ghana helped me realise was that if people really want to be your friend, they will make an effort.

Now, we must have room for grace and forgiveness because we won’t always get it right and life happens. None of us are perfect. But, if someone is truly your friend, they won’t take your presence in their life for granted.

They will pay attention to the details. They will celebrate with you when it is time to celebrate. They will give you wise counsel because they don’t want to see you hurting. They will encourage you when you’re feeling down. You will trust that they are sincere and genuine. And you will reciprocate this energy.

So to end, I want to give us all some hope. Making friends, maintaining friends, going through friendship breakups are all challenging parts of adulthood. We should be discerning and choose who we get to know wisely. But, we should also remain open. As the late Bill Withers sung, we all need someone to lean on.

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Let’s talk about friendship …

What are your thoughts after reading this week’s post? If you can, please comment one thing you have learned about friendship. There is so much wisdom to be gained from our similar and/or divergent perspectives and experiences 🧡.

This week’s challenge

Do you need to get clear about who in your life you should call a friend?

Be honest with yourself and write down on paper a list of your friends. Maybe this simple exercise will help you gain insight into which friendships you can confidently invest time in.

Keep in touch

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If you would like to swap notes, thoughts or experiences, you are welcome to get in touch.

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