Alone but not lonely

Building lasting confidence

Earlier this year, I had been tasked with scoping out a restaurant that would be suitable to host my sister’s birthday dinner. I am still familiarising myself with Accra’s city geography so that was one thing, but it was not the real issue. Being able to go somewhere and confidently ask for something I needed from another person has for a long time evoked a bit of discomfort. So not having another person with me to be able to act as backup in case this errand turned out to be more difficult than at first glance felt like a loss of a security blanket. An unsheltered exposure to the elements.

In Australia, I had allowed myself to grow comfortable with people and situations that were okay with me remaining silent, passive. Some of them, just indifferent or unaware as to how I felt. But being right in the heart of a bustling city, the sounds of motorbikes revving and sellers inviting drivers and passengers to buy their goods, there was no way forward but for me to awaken to not only what I needed but to what I wanted as well. Change.

It was morning when I left the house to visit the restaurant and as I got into my ride, I began rehearsing how I would greet the restaurant staff and hopefully get the details I needed without any fuss. This was followed by thoughts like “I hope there’s not too many people”, “what if the place is busy?”, “what do I say?”, “how can I walk in without being noticed by anyone?” I sat with these anxious feelings and then it began to dawn on me. I lacked confidence.

At first, I tried to counter this with reasons for why I was a confident person. But the truth of the matter was that I had only been as confident as the approval I sought from others. There was nothing authentic about that. Yet authenticity is something I yearned for. And that was when I decided enough was enough.

Upon arrival at my destination, a leafy green spot, I thanked my driver and got out of the vehicle. I entered the venue through a winding path and as I emerged around the corner, I saw that the only way to get to the ordering point was by walking through an open space dotted with tables. So that inconspicuous entry I was hoping for wasn’t going to happen.

‘Okay Adjoa’, I thought, ‘walk as swiftly as possible, without tripping, and don’t look like you’re uncomfortable with being alone!’

Left to right: Telande Tea Garden, Accra, Jan 2023. The Dreamer's Cocoon preview at The Noldor Artist Residency by Dela Anyah Accra, Jan 2023. And me.

The staff were welcoming and I asked to speak to someone about making a reservation. A sigh of relief. I was then led to a table for two to wait for the person who was responsible for events and bookings. I was happy to wait but I also thought, why only wait? So I asked for the menu and ordered a refreshing iced tea and a light snack. I did feel a bit exposed, a bit too visible because amidst the lunching patrons, I was the only person sitting alone. But I ended up enjoying my drink, successfully making the booking and leaving with takeaway.

What really made this seemingly simple errand actually quite revolutionary was that I started to get to know myself again. The self that I had not spent enough time with. The self that was able to feel safe, secure and content in her own presence.

In the lead up to travelling to Ghana, I had made a list of places I wanted to visit. On that list was The Noldor Artist Residency. So the following week after my restaurant outing, I ordered my ride and set off. Again, I had some nervous anticipation about going here alone but I was determined to try. I had heard about the concept of nurturing your inner child and this felt like exactly that. Being open, curious and pursuing desire.

If you are wondering about The Noldor Residency, their website says

Founded in November 2020, the Noldor Residency is Ghana’s first independent artist residency and fellowship program for contemporary African artists on the continent and as well as in the Diaspora.

What attracted me to this place was of course the art aspect but also the architercture. The Residency evokes feelings of ease, spaciousness and tranquility, with its use of indoor and outdoor spaces, including a striking walkway where you can look up and see the sky, and birds perched on the overhanging walkway. White fabric hangs from the upper railings, swaying gently with any change in the wind.

I was greeted near the entrance by a friendly face and progressively led through the various spaces either displaying artworks or acting as workspaces for the resident artists. I remember standing contemplatively still, studying the works. This was meditative. This was simple. This was healing.

My guide would elaborate on the art pieces when I asked questions and I was fortunate to have the opportunity to meet two of the artists who generously spoke with me about the inspiration for their practices. When I looked at the time, I had spent about 4 hours here! I needed a day like this.

What I am trying to say through these anecdotes is that through intentionally venturing out into the world more and more on my own, I actually could more clearly observe where I was lacking confidence. Then from here, I was able to start slowly choosing actions that would help me to build confidence. And I mean very practical actions, such as speaking up when I wasn’t happy with a service, respectfully communicating when I found a person’s comments inappropriate or hurtful or not over explaining why I wanted to leave a place or situation.

I realised that I hadn’t been developing these essential skills as an adult because I had been consistently choosing others over myself. Alone but not lonely was my new state of being. Not lonely because I was beginning to trust myself again, trust that I could go out into the world and be able to show up for myself. Not lonely because the life I wanted to live could be made possible by going within. I was alone and happy, alone and content, alone and grateful that I was living my life.

It is likely that many of you reading have been on or are on your own journey with confidence. I invite you to reflect with me for a moment …

Do I need to get to know myself again?

Is my self worth built on what others say they like about me or on what I like about me?

When I am alone, am I content in my own presence?

Devote yourself to the inner work and watch how the life you desire can be made possible for you.

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What’s on

During my visit to The Noldor Artist Residency, I was pleased to make a new friend with one of the artists, Dela Anyah! His work reminds me of what it means to truly be resilient and reinvent yourself.

Dela’s latest body of work titled Elementary Rebirth is now showing at the Nubuke Foundation in Accra from 13 May 2023 - 03 June 2023. You can learn more about Dela’s powerful solo exhibition here.

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